~a novel too deep~

What could have inspired me to write again after a period of three months? There were moments that I almost logged-in to leave my comment on some of the good movies I have watched, like the impressive Marion Cotillard in La Mome. But they were just not as intense as what I am feeling for now. It's all about the timing, when everything started to wrap up in a hole.

I can count the numbers of novels/books I have ever read in my life: "Jurassic Park", halfway, "Diary of a Young Girl", halfway, and "The World is Flat", one-third. It got bored when I read on. And now I am halfway through Murakami's "Norwegian Wood", of which I bet I would pick up again some other time, after I finish reading the remaining half. For one thing, its story suits my taste, and I bet it will do the same for all other sentimental readers. For another thing, Murakami has the magic to bring up every scene and action of the character so vividly by simple sentences and words. Of course, the soul of the novel is the complex feelings of the characters that were felt so real, creating confusion between fiction and the author's autobiographical account. From the book, I rediscover the fact that there were different kinds of people existing; in contrast to the common sense that men would always only think about women and sex, and women would care about make-up and gossip (or perhaps gold medals for the Olympic contestants). Anyone could be so distinct from each other, if we look at a more delicate way. I really admire Murakami, as I don't believe it's possible for him to have gone through so many different kinds of feelings.

So, how did I get my hand on this wonderful novel? On last weekend, I started to feel gastric pain again. It's an alarm. The stuffiness in me came from the flashing in my mind of terms like "magnetic resonances", "protein interaction", "Hence, we conclude that...", etc. I have been sleeping and eating with these journal papers for too long! Actually, I was a bit tensed up in recent months, and I will explain the causes later. I thought to myself, "I really have to lay my eyes on something else". And I am glad I've found it.



I am not happy about many things recently, just like the local culture, always complaining. For examples, I have been missing the double-deck 197 or 179 on a streak (I like to sit on the second deck) and the last service of 198 to go back to our rented apartment in Clementi. Hence, I grumbled about other international students staying on campus, and of course, the Singaporeans who drive to school. I even complained about Singaporeans being too proud of getting a runner-up in table tennis. I disliked some people around me, e.g. a Singaporean in my lab who is admitted in the graduate course in NTU. In my could-be-biased opinion, he definitely lacks the foundation, not to mention smart. But he could talk as if he knew the world. Of course, he has changed. Sadly, I am not blessed with forgiving people. I will always remember how these people look down on me four months ago when I came back to this lab, after failing to get my place in Basel University. Of course, with my boss' reference letter, Stefan was more than happy to take me. However, my application will not be accepted, due to the fact that my honors degree is second class lower.

By the way, I am now a graduate student in NTU. But this status did not come without fight. I did not actually read the emails, but my boss told me that the people in the graduate office were reluctant to offer me the place, and that the Dean of our school (SBS) helped me out by arguing with them in a chain of emails. I am totally disappointed. There must be something so wrong in this world, that truth can be crooked just like the light over a black hole. Are these people paid to look for arguments; did they interview the students? My best guess is that aside from the certificates, things are too complicated for them.

I have been very hardworking for the past year; I took no shortcut and I learned the NMR by myself. I was so tensed up because I took every chance to move towards the top level of the field. There is an evil behind all these: to prove wrong the people who looked down on me. As fair as it may seem, every wish comes with a price.

For long I have lost my imagination to write a single paragraph. My negligence of friends has brought me even further into my own empty space. I don't feel for love at all. I would transform into a mad guy whenever I saw people's happy expression in their photos in Facebook. My soul becomes imbalance, as people have their own good time to pamper their girlfriends, to enjoy friends' outing, to start to build a family. How about mine!? The bank debt will shadow me for years to come, but some people working on easy jobs in the stupid companies are able to enjoy weekly multi-course meals. It's not that I need a girlfriend desperately. It is, of course, possible to sleep with girls if one has money. I won't want to hurt a girl if I don't love her. Call me a bullshit idealist as you like. It's not that I can't live without money. But I hate the idea that people earning more than I do is superior to me.

The most dreadful fact is that I am very lucky to have what I have now, and yet the unrest persists within my evil self. A friend of mine is missing his father, passed away a few months ago; another friend had to deal with some matters between his divorced parents; I couldn't help feeling sad for someone, who is of my age, has contracted cancer; my father runs a business, while some of my friends are saving every cent for their lives. With all blessing, I have stable income from my scholarship, working very well on two projects with great potential, and have my first paper as first author been accepted by JBNMR about two weeks ago. (I sent to JACS in mid-March, and then sent again the requested revision in May. Eventually, it was rejected. What a'nother disappointment.)

People are always hungry for more. I wish I could live like how 庄子 described in《逍遥游》. I wish to marry a girl like my primary school schoolmate Aisa, and live a simple and comfortable life together with my parents in K.K. It was a miracle to bump into her about two years ago, in Sandakan. She is still as beautiful as was 12 years ago. People there are very different. I am touched by their kindness and simple mind, which I'd lost when I left the town many years ago. Unfortunately, I have a mission to continue my research. I aim to find a cure one day, at least a partial one, for Alzheimer's disease (AD) or prion-related encephalopathy. To be honest, I am doing all these things not for myself but for the society, and I do believe I am able to do it. She told me she once came to Singapore to work. She didn't like it and so she went back. Every chosen path comes with a price. I will pay with my life.